Well, we’re two days into the new year, and so far, so good.
I’d originally planned on writing a lengthy entry about all the things that happened last year, but then it hit me – I’d already written about them here. I’ve noticed that with my previous blogging habits, I’d typically post when something big and exciting happened – and with the exception of finishing my dual masters in Information and Library Science last May (how did I forget to write about that?), I did just that. So I think, instead, I’m going to look to the future.
That’s something I need to do more of – look to the future, or even absorb what’s around me in the present, as opposed to looking back at the past like I’ve done so much lately. It is true, there’s a lot of things that have happened in my past that have shaped who I am today – in good and bad ways. My behaviors, my anxiety and depression, all stem from some really unpleasant experiences with extremely unpleasant people. I’m sure most of you have heard the stories before, many times – especially when I hit a rough patch and slip into depression, and start explaining the myriad reasons why I get into these weird moments of self-loathing/insecurity, or why I have so many strange responses to things that I’ve developed as a method of coping with rough situations and abusive relationships.
What I’m going to try to do this year, instead of shooting back into the past and digging out all the reasons for why I do what I do, I’m going to try to just accept how my brain works, and when I can, try to train it to behave better, to respond to my life now as opposed to responding how I expect life to be based on the past. I’m going to try to acknowledge that yes, I feel depressed/anxious/terrified, and it’ll pass. Yes, I responded to a raised voice with anxiety and defensiveness. Yes, I responded to anxiety with hiding in bed all day. But the past, the situations that drilled these responses into me, is just that – the past.
This is something I’ve been trying to work on in therapy for a while – since I started working with my current therapist, actually. I tend to get wrapped up in my ridiculous emotions so quickly, though, that I can’t quite catch myself and remind myself that I’m safe, that I’m in a better situation, that things will be alright, before things all go downhill. So, to try and help my brain calm down a bit, and to try and help me be more present in the moment, in the now, I’m going to try and regularly practice mindfulness.
The biggest problem I’ve had with practicing mindfulness in the past is that I’d simply forget to do it – I’d simply space out on it, or have better things to do than spend time trying to be mindful. I couldn’t quite focus on being in the moment, especially before I started getting treatment for ADHD. But now, I think I’m ready.
So, with an idea and a plan, I’m heading into the new year. I want to look towards the future, and enjoy today, without being tethered to the past.